Bizarre title right?Yes but I know that most of us out there get stuck at this corner and that happened to be me since last night. Imagine spending your birthday(today) battling with yourself about your faith, the devil is a liar shame!
I think I have some form of depression though I do not want to get diagnosed. It comes out in a form of anger and silence from the rest of the world. So I was having one of those episodes of impending doom, I guess to the point that I wanted to give up on my faith. Yes, two weeks after getting baptised this is what happens? God where are you? He was there trust me I just did not want to talk to him.
I spent the whole night yesterday fighting with God and fighting with myself and this huge overwhelming emotion of negativity. I could not understand that I spent the whole day meditating on his word and this is the end result of it? I felt defeated, praying before I sleep was just like saying good night to your husband without kissing him. I was not in it. I was feeling so defeated because this is not the first time I was going through this and it brought me to the same space and now again?
So as I was battling with myself, I was realising that giving up on God means giving up on life itself, I had no other options and could not imagine living life without Him but I still did not want to talk to him, I did not want him. My frustration with him was that I was not receiving my strength, encouragement and energy to carry me through these conflicting emotions, I wasn't asking for immediate healing, solving my financial problems. I just wanted him to strengthen me because I am beyond tired, I am relying on him but I feel no resolution.
I then spent half of my day reading posts like this one about giving up on your faith and one blogger said that you can not rely on your feelings when it comes to giving up, if you feel like giving up it is when you should never give up and I knew that but my stubbornness was not having any of it. And another blogger said he would meditate on the word of God, so I thought I should give that a try again and it was starting to help.
Now I am writing this totally in awe of the person of God, the battle from last night till now seems like it has been forever. If there is anything I have learned in the past 24 hours is that God will bring you to your knees if need be. I could tell that he was not giving up his fight for me through all that was happening around me and this was told to me through my boyfriend when he gave me the scripture of Ruth 3:18 . He made sure that my day ended brighter than it had started. When you have given your heart to God, truly seeking after him even in the midst of the storm you will find yourself praising him especially when you don't feel like it. I had to humble myself and admit to my boyfriend what I am struggling with though he was the last person I wanted to talk to.
Everything does work for the good to those who love the Lord. I witnessed that today. If you are in this trap, don't give up as much as you hate hearing that don't give up. Don't give the enemy this chance, don't let his trap work. It is most likely a point of breakthrough so hang on. God was probing my heart all day to talk to him and I was refusing but eventually I did, I ended the day with prayer. I saw God's favour today in all the small things and that is where you should focus. When you know that you are in constant fellowship with him you will know when he is talking to you, give ear and take heart.
Dear child of God do not give up on your faith, this is when it needs you to not give up because it is getting sharpened really hard. Open up to people and let them know how you feel, seek prayer from family, friends and church . When support comes it's way receive it with open arms.
Father God, I bring close the person who is reading and thinking that this is what I am going through. Probe their heart as you did mine and shower them with your love, strength and support. Bring them down to their knees Lord. Even through this Lord I pray that they find themselves praising you still and resisting the devil. I pray in Jesus' mighty name. Amen
Then Naomi said, “Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today.”
Until next post, God bless.