I have been slacking...
In my faith, in building my spirituality. I cringe at the voice of people speaking positively. In my mind I think to myself "life is not all cupcakes and rainbows", yes I stole that from Trolls, and then I continue to think "you cannot possibly be high everyday of your life just because! even Paul had it rough and could admit it." I know I sound horrible but I cannot help it and that has been the downfall of my slacking.
The bitterness of me is creeping in. I am sitting here recognising my demise. Most of all I am writing this to warn you, to learn from me and not allow yourself to go deeper down this road, as I am trying not to.
"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.".First of all I am not married, neither am I fornicating, my point of this passage is that a sin can be committed internally in your heart. And I have done this continually, enjoyably so! *cringe* I am being completely honest with you. The works of the flesh can be so gratifying it is disgusting. You are to be careful to let go of this before it manifest itself in to being.
I have been holding on to unforgiveness for some time and have admittedly accepted it without taking any action of overcoming it. So embarrassing for a Christian right? Please don't judge me, for I am only human, and I am a woman! And not only has this been towards someone else but it has also been towards me. I have refused to acknowledge that I am human as much as I just admitted it a few words ago, but I keep killing myself over things that I cannot change and thank God I am not going through depression over this.
One other thing is that I may have been having nonreligious thoughts about my single life. I miss God and in turn I have replaced this time with other things instead of spending it with him like I used to. I got a new job and my studies picked up and God took the backseat as usual. I am not kidding about this, as much as I had pumped myself up that I would put him first and above all, I have not! I may be doing so in certain areas of my life but not my whole life. I am also enjoying the fruits of my labour too much that I am starting to live in this world as of this world( I hope that makes sense).
What has this boiled down to? Like I have mentioned earlier, bitterness. I am not as graceful as I once was a couple of months ago. I have taken a lot on my shoulders and not consulting my Father, the only time I would go down on my knees is when anxiety tries to creep in. I was /am using God as a coping mechanism. The self-shaming is also prevalent. That is also what I have been suffering, and inflicting on my self. Another one is which is most dangerous, is staying away from God's work, and I have probably mentioned this somewhere in this blog. Once you start enjoying self , all the spirits desires become faint and you don't build the courage to get back to the Holy of Holies. I have also become jealous of other people's relationship with God, this is when I asked myself what the deuce? Girl get yourself together!
But there is always a chance in God's hands. and today I have been meditating on this word
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.I am not excusing my bad behaviour, but I don't want it to hinder me from doing God's work. Someone told me that is how the devil stops us from doing God's work. We get tricked, give into our desires and then guilt strikes and all of a sudden we don't feel worthy anymore, we stop volunteering (I have, but I am going back). We focus on ourselves again and forget our purpose to serve. We feel like our indiscretions mess up the word of God. Solomon did not mess up the word, David did not mess up the word of God. I am reminded in the midst of my failures that I have a lifetime to practise living in his grace and I am not always gonna get it right at the same time I am reminded I am not alone.
This post is my first attempt of breaking out of this and exalting my Saviour. I have not figured it out but all I can say is, while you are repenting,asking for forgiveness and believing you have received it, continue to pray and bring your request to your Father. Don't separate yourself from your church family even if they don't know the details. Read the word of God, it is at times like these that you need it to meditate on it, trust me. The way I am so desperate for him , scriptures just pop out of my head lol. I won't give up though and if you are in a similar situation don't give up too, we have come too far and until the day of Jesus Christ we must keep rising.
Thank you Holy Spirit, I hope this touches someone as much as it has touched me. I pray for the reader who is going through this to have faith in you and trust that you have not abandoned them, may you give them strength to prevail and guidance to get back on the path you have set for them. Shield them from the devil, in your word you tell us that you wont give us more than we can handle and I confess that over their lives Lord, in Jesus' name. Amen.
Until next post, God bless...